


Its all gone Grey

by Kristaleyes



Category: Naruto
Genre: Abuse, Depression, Flashbacks, Help, Internal Conflict, No Romance, PTSD, Rape, Recovery, Self Harm, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Therapy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-26
Updated: 2019-07-07
Packaged: 2019-09-27 21:09:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 15
Words: 19,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17169437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kristaleyes/pseuds/Kristaleyes
Summary: Naruto is not alright. Has he ever been? Hes not sure. He knows its not healthy but its helping him however he might be spiralling down too far. How has no one noticed? Surely someone cares enough to save him. Maybe not...





	1. Darkness of the self

 

 

Naruto couldn’t be sure that he hadn’t always felt this way. It was hard to remember the last time he felt truly happy but then again, all those times felt like they were nothing more than dreams.  There are a few things he knows without a doubt that anchor him to the world when he feels himself falling. His list has become a sort of mantra that he recites to himself when his thoughts become overwhelming:

 

  1. No one cares about me
  2. My pain is my own
  3. I am alone



 

While this may not be the healthiest grounding strategy, that’s exactly what it has become. It has become the first line of defence against depressive, invasive thoughts, followed closely by self-harm and when all else fails, a suicide attempt.

 

* * *

 

 

It was just an ordinary autumn day in Konoha.  The leaves were changing colour and the city was shifting from a calming green to the warm colours of autumn.  Most of the citizens loved the changing of the seasons but one citizen of Konoha felt that Autumn was the most beautiful of them all and that was Naruto.

 

‘ _I love autumn, it’s like the last heaving breath before your heart stops, everything is decaying yet there’s so much colour. I wish I could still see them for what they truly are, rather than the greys they have become.’_

 

“Look, its him...” Naruto heard the whispers that followed him everywhere. It’s hard for him to understand what he could have possibly done to incite this level of hatred. In his 16 years of existence, he had never done anything to warrant the animosity he received every day. He wasn’t sure how much longer he could continue dealing with this overwhelming sense of despair.

 

Sure, he was the vessel of the Kyuubi, but he was a loyal ninja to Konoha. He had never faltered in his devotion to the village despite the treatment he endured everyday. He honestly thought it would get better when he started getting acknowledge by the villagers but it didn’t. He was praised in public but the tension of the most hard core villagers was as potent as ever. Its true what they say, some people never change. Naruto laughed to himself as a stray thought entered his mind ‘they still cherish Sasuke, despite his betrayal and yet...’ Naruto repeated his mantra to himself under his breath, so quiet no one else could hear him “No one cares about me, my pain is my own, I am alone...”

 

 He repeated this saying numerous times until he reached the safety of his apartment. He had been so consumed by his thoughts that at some point on the journey home, he had be hit with something rather sharp on his shoulder. Naruto huffed a sigh as he noticed the blood seeping through the orange strips of his jacket. He removed the jacket and place it in his bathtub to soak. He grimaced as he noticed the speckles of blood on the inside of his sleeve. ‘guess I was a bit hasty this morning, good thing I switched to the black jacket, the orange one would’ve been ruined by now.’

 

Naruto removed his mesh shirt and changed into his pyjama bottom. The soft green shorts did not irritate the still healing cuts on his legs which is why he favoured them so much. He still occasionally wore the matching black t-shirt but tonight he decided to let his upper body breathe. He surveyed himself in the mirror, noting how pale he had become, the numerous bruises that covered his skin and most of all, the still healing cuts that peppered his arms and torso. He had learnt a long time ago how to maximise his relief and minimise his discovery.

 

Naruto has been self-harming since he was six years old. It started pretty innocently, clenching his fists when he became overwhelmed which soon progressed into digging his nails into his palms. From there it was a steady decline including punching walls and pinching himself, allowing easily dodged attacks to land in vulnerable spots and finally cutting. He had learnt over the years that it was very easy to lie his way out of any inquiry, even as a child but now it was so easy to blame everything on a recent mission, even when it only involved finding missing pets. “what happened to your leg Naruto, you’re limping” Kakashi would ask, “Oh nothing,” Naruto would respond, “Just landed funny when I tackled that dog yesterday. I’ve really gotta be more careful” he would always end with his sheepish grin and no one ever questions him further. He didn’t know whether to be upset that no one had noticed anything or relieved that his dirty little secret remained just that.

 

He wondered how Jiraiya didn’t notice during their three-year adventure...

* * *

 

 [Flashback]

 

“Wow kid, you have gotten so much stronger. I’m impressed.” Jiraiya remarked as Naruto formed a perfect Rasengan, It had been over two  and a half years of travelling and training. Naruto wished it could last forever and that he would never have to return to that hateful village and the friends he had failed. The only thing he missed about that village was his privacy. Being with Jiraiya all the time and even bathing with his master had made indulging in his little habit so much more difficult.

 

He had learnt to conceal the marks with a genjutsu for the times he had to remove his clothing but Jiraiya always had this look on his face that said something was off, but he couldn’t quit place it. He never mentioned it outright, so Naruto felt pretty accomplished with his disguise.

 

There had been one incident where Naruto thought he was discovered for sure. This incident occurred just two months prior to returning to Konoha.  It was the night Jirayah had decided to meet up with an old comrade of his while traveling through the land of rice. He had invited Naruto along as he always did and was surprised when Naruto turned down the invitation in favour of sleeping. He brushed his concerns off quickly as it was a rare occasion they stayed in a motel and he figured Naruto wanted to make the most of the facilities while he could.  Something was nagging at Jiraiya the entire night so instead of staying out late, drinking and reminiscing, Jiraiya returned to the room shortly after sundown.

 

He found Naruto lying in a pool of blood on the kitchen floor, but he couldn’t find any visible wound. Naruto had maintained his genjutsu despite hitting a vein in his arm and losing consciousness. Jiraiya looked around for a possible attacker or weapon and found only a kitchen knife lying on the ground. He looked on the bench and found carrots which were in the process of being chopped. Jiraiya didn’t want to believe that anything sinister had happened and allowed his mind to deduce that Naruto must have been preparing a meal when the knife slipped and cut himself. It didn’t explain why there was so much blood or why there was no wound, but he couldn’t think of any other explanation.

 

Jiraiya sat beside the unconscious Naruto for 6 hours, slowly examining his arms and hands for signs of the injury. Something was nagging at the explanation his mind had conjured and he decided he couldn’t trust his own judgement where Naruto was concerned. He began gathering nature energy which soon transformed his eyes, allowing him to see the genjutsu and dispel it from himself. He was mortified by what he saw but noted that the fresh wound had begun to stitch itself together with a red chakra thread. Jirayah began piecing the events together but decided Naruto was safe enough with the demon healing his injuries and that there was no reason to start that conversation while he was still doing ok.

 

Jiraiya allowed himself to be caught back in the genjutsu just as Naruto started stirring. A moment of panic flashed across his face before it was replaced with a perfected look of confusion. He asked groggily “What happened pervy sage?” Jiraiya responded “I was going to ask you the same thing. You were passed out in a pool of your own blood when I came back. Care to explain?” Naruto allowed his false confusion to linger a moment as he pretended to recall the events of last night “I was a bit hungry and we had some carrots, I was chopping them up, I guess the knife slipped ya know. Clumsy me.” He lifted his wrist and looked at it carefully “Lucky for my quick healing, believe it!” Naruto smiled sheepishly. Jiraiya shook his head but allowed a smile in return. Naruto internally sighed, not knowing Jiraiya knew more than he was letting on.

 

[End Flashback]

 

* * *

 

“Do I look the same to everyone else?” Naruto asked as he stared at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. “I get that I am hated, but how has no one noticed that I am falling apart? Maybe no one would notice if I died. Heck, maybe there would throw a party in my hour, thanking me for finally ridding themselves of my presence” Naruto allowed his tears to fall silently as he gripped the side of the basin, staring into his lifeless eyes. To everyone else, he had bright blue eyes, but all he could see was a grey as cold as ice and just as lifeless. “Maybe it will work this time” Naruto mused as he turned and walked towards his bedroom, picking up his weapons pouch from where it lived in the dining room.

 

He made sure to turn off all the lights in his apartment and lock all the doors and windows. He may not care to live, but he didn’t want to allow and disgruntled villagers to defile his body.  Naruto removed a small envelope from the weapons pouch and placed it on his bedside table.  He lovingly held the kunai in his had, wishing his tears could wash away the festering soul wound that was eating his alive. He knew it couldn’t but he still wished it would. Instead he started repeating his mantra “No one cares about me, my pain is my own, I am alone...” this chant became a steady beat, in time with his pulse as he dragged the kunai from the based of his palm, up his wrist to the point where his forearm met his elbow. The blood started as a slow trickle, as if his body wanted to keep it inside before it began gushing down his arm and quickly pooling around him on his poor excuse for a mattress.

 

Naruto felt a smile tug on his lips, this was easily the deepest and most promising cut he had managed to make since that night Jiraiya had found him a few months ago. He felt a moment of guilt was over him as he remembered the worried glanced Jiraiya gave him after the incident but it quickly passed as the second message of his mantra beat in his head _my pain is my own_. ‘that’s right. This is my pain and mine alone. No one needs to know. Everyone will be fine, happy even. I will finally be free...’ Naruto felt himself get lighter with each passing second. His body was no longer weighed down with hatred and sadness. He felt his head begin to spin as the room went dark. ‘Finally...’ Naruto thought as his world was enveloped by darkness.


	2. Flying or Falling

Everyone in Konoha felt a sudden burst of chakra but as quickly as it happened it stopped. There was only a handful of people who recognised that chakra and only three who had any inclination to rush to its source. Jiraiya, Iruka and Kakashi all converged on Naruto’s apartment to discover the reason for the surge in chakra. They were not prepared for what they found...

 

“What the hell was that?” Iruka asked as he unlocked Naruto’s door with his key. “Nothing good I’m afraid” Kakashi responded, sniffing the air and detecting blood. “Let’s just remain calm, I’m sure everything is fine” Jiraiya said, portraying more calm than he felt as the memory of Naruto covered in his own blood flashed through his mind. “Don’t let yourselves be caught in any genjutsu, spread out and remain on alert.” Jiraiya warned as they entered the apartment.

 

The apartment was pitch black and as quiet as death. The three men spread out, checking each room until they all ended up in Naruto’s bedroom. At first, it appeared as though he was just sleeping, blanket pulled around his curled form. Jiraiya felt so uneasy, he walked closer to study the scene further, but his attention was drawn to the small envelope on the bedside table. Kakashi and Iruka waited as the Sanin explored, not wanting to disturb Naruto but still alert. Jiraiya let out a gasp as he read the letter and promptly removed the blanket and began shaking Naruto with a force. “Naruto! Naruto!” He cried before lifting his student into his arms and disappearing. Kakashi and Iruka read the letter that caused such panic in Jiraiya and quickly understood what has happened. There were only two words written on the letter and the caused a similar reaction in the remaining two. They both vanished with a flash, using all their speed to reach the Hokage’s office where they knew Jiraiya had taken Naruto. All that was written on the letter, in jagged scrawl, damp from tears were the words _you’re welcome..._

 

* * *

 

 

Naruto could feel himself flying through the air. He had no idea dying would feel so pleasant. Now he knew without a doubt that it was the right decision to make. He finally felt at peace.

 

* * *

 

 

Jiraiya was in a panic as he burst through the office doors, unable to form words as Tsunade turned, ready to start throwing punches before she saw the unconscious Naruto in his arms. “What happened?”  She asked, praying she could remain strong enough to help her little genin. “Don’t know, found him this way. Suicide attempt.” Jiraiya huffed, barely able to form words between the energy he had expended racing over and the grief that was suffocating his heart. Tsunade examined Naruto and was bothered by the lack of wound until Jiraiya placed his hand on her shoulder and formed the ‘release’ hand sign, sending his chakra into hers. “That little...” Tsunade trailed off as the genjutsu was broken, noticing the severity of the damage, not just from tonight but from years of abuse.

 

Tsunade held back tears as she sent her medical ninjutsu into the gash up his arm. She was examining the scars over his body, deducing that the earliest ones were roughly 10 years old which only caused the tears she had been holding at bay to overflow, landing on Naruto’s closed eyes. She couldn’t help but notice how happy he looked to be knocking on deaths door. Some part of her felt horrible for taking that joy away from him but at the same time, she couldn’t lose him.

 

“He lost a lot of blood. He should be fine, as long as he rests. We will hook him up to an IV and perform a blood transfusion, he should wake up in a day or so. Obviously, this was no accident. I’m going to set him up in the guest chambers here, you are to stay with him Jiraiya. Did he leave a note? We need to understand what lead him to this...” Tsunade trailed off, staring at the person she loved like a little brother.

 

Kakashi and Iruka appeared in the doorway, holding Naruto’s note. They handed it to her. She began crying and felt her heart break. “Ok. Lets keep this incident quiet for now. Something pushed him to this. I don’t need anyone adding to the problem by leaking this information. Jiraiya you stay here with Naruto. Kakashi & Iruka,  go to Naruto’s apartment, clean up any evidence of this attempt and find anything that can help explain his state of mind, journals, pictures, letters, anything. We will meet back here in the morning and decide what to do from there. I understand that this is a very difficult thing to deal with but he will need everyone’s support when he wakes up. Finish the tasks I have given you and then rest. You are dismissed.” Tsunade said, wiping her tears. Kakashi and Iruka left silently, feeling a heaviness settle in their limbs.

 

“Carry him to the guest room and I will start the transfusion. He will be fine, you need rest as well Jiraiya. Ill set up a cot for you next to his bed. He will need you to be at your full strength when he wakes up. I have this horrible feeling that he will try to run when he realises that we know about his habits and pain. We can’t let him go without helping him first.” Jiraiya looked so defeated as he nodded his agreement and picked Naruto up. Naruto stirred slightly, feeling himself no longer flying but falling.

 

* * *

 

Jiraiya had a fitful sleep, trying to rest but his mind just kept replaying the incident in his mind. Finding Naruto laying on the floor in the kitchen, finding him curled up in his bed covered in blood, all the injuries he received while training that he could’ve easily dodged. Jiraiya was beginning to figure things out but his mind was torturing him with the information. He could now see clearly all the times Naruto didn’t look quite like himself before flashing his sheepish grin and spouting some arrogant nonsense. All those time he would refused invitations to stay out and have fun and would then train the next day with a slew of different injuries. It was all starting to add up and Jiraiya felt like he was the worst person for not realising what had been happening to his student over the three years they travelled together. Minato would be so upset with him for not taking better care of his son. Jiraiya finally found a restful sleep after saying his silent prayer to Minato and Kushina, promising to do better from now on.

 

* * *

 

Kakashi and Iruka weren’t really sure what they were meant to be looking for. They had cleaned up his mattress and sheets, opting to replace them rather than trying to salvage something that was clearly ruined. Next they worked through his drawers, feeling progressively worse for invading the privacy of someone they had so clearly failed to help. Kakashi left Iruka to continue exploring the bedroom and went searching in other areas of the house. He couldn’t help but feel responsible for his student and was feeling the soul deep wound he experienced when his father committed suicide all those years ago. Selfish as it was, he did not want to go through all that again and didn’t think he could live with himself if he truly failed his precious student.

 

Kakashi was feeling incredibly defeated as he rummaged through Naruto’s bathroom cupboard, thinking of how he failed him and Sasuke. He was honestly praying that there was nothing wrong with Sakura otherwise he would have to declare himself the worst sensei ever. He was shaken from his depressive thoughts as he found a box, hidden at the back of the cabinet behind the towels. The box contained a number of illegal and deadly herbs, several dull kunai, crusted in blood and the remains of their team photo with Naruto’s face scratched out. Kakashi had no idea Naruto hated himself so much but this evidence also suggested that this was no a one off incident. How many times had Naruto tried to kill himself before tonight?

 

“Hey Kakashi, I found something.” Iruka called from the bedroom, his despair was palpable. Iruka held a journal and a dozen letters for Kakashi to inspect. Each of the letters was unopened but has been dated on the front. He opened one that was dated 3 years ago, just after Sasuke had left:

 

**_I failed again. I couldn’t even bring that Teme back. I know it is all my fault and I don’t blame the village for holding this against me. All I ever wanted to do was protect people but I cant even do that right. Maybe I will be able to get it right this time. I’m sorry for all the pain that I have caused._ **

****

**_Naruto_ **

****

 

* * *

 

 

Kakashi couldn’t bring himself to read anymore of the letters and Iruka was already crying. He looked through the journal after placing the letters in the box with the other evidence they had found. The journal was surprisingly detailed considering how much they believed Naruto hated writing. It was a complete account of every incident that had taken place while he was in the academy, how he dealt with them through self-harm and how many times he attempted suicide. It also detailed how the Kyuubi had begun talking to him as a friend, lending him strength and healing his wound. Kakashi and Iruka looked again more thoroughly, knowing there must have been other journals detailing his life after the academy and possibly before. They found them eventually, hidden under a false floor board, 4 other books filled with pain, despair and thoughts of death.

 

“Well,” Kakashi mused, “at least we know what that chakra flare was.” Iruka raised his eyebrow in silent question. “It would seem the nine tails wanted us to find Naruto before it was too late. Lets call it a night. Tomorrow is going to be hard enough as it is. See ya.” Kakashi vanished in a puff of smoke and Iruka walked slowly out the front door, locking it behind him. He could feel the despair pooling in his body like he was dragging chains. “Oh Naruto,” he whispered to himself, “Why wouldn’t you tell us how much pain you were in...”


	3. Waking Up

**Chapter 3**

 

Naruto woke with a jolt. “Damn it all, didn’t work again...” Naruto muttered before fully registering where he was or the fact that he was not alone. Jiraiya was roused slowly by Naruto’s muttering but immediately jumped to land right beside Naruto. He stared into Naruto’s blue eye, his face showing nothing but concern. Naruto suddenly understood what was going on. Panic filled his features and he tried to think of a plan. Time, he needed to buy himself time. ‘play dumb’, he thought, ‘if I play dumb, I can lie my way out of this, like always’.

 

“Pervy sage? Where am I? What happened?” he asked groggily, willing his eyes to reflect confusion rather than the calculations he was making. ‘Clearly, he found me, but how? I'm not restrained and I’m not in the hospital, maybe he thought it was an accident. Maybe this won’t be as hard as I thought’ Naruto mused as he looked around, trying to orient himself to his situation and surroundings.

 

“I was hoping you could shed some light on that Naruto. You were passed out when we found you. It would seem the Kyuubi sent out a chakra flare. The real question is what put you in such danger that he felt the need to call for help?” Jiraiya asked, trying not to startle Naruto as he noticed the way he surveyed the room, looking for an escape.

 

‘Dammit. He said we so more than just him.’ Naruto thought, changing his plans slightly, he couldn’t move his arm, it was bandaged so tightly that any hand signs were out of the question. ‘Wait, Kurama, what the hell. You called them?’ **‘Yes, I called them you stupid fool. You were going to die. I am not sorry for saving your life.’** “What do you mean we?” Naruto asked as he was pulled from his internal argument with Kurama. “Kakashi and Iruka also responded to his call. You still haven’t answered my questions, Naruto. What is going on?”

 

“I don’t know what you are talking about...” Naruto muttered as he realised Jiraiya was only asking out of courtesy, in reality, he already knew. That’s the moment Jiraiya finally saw Naruto’s true face rather than the mask he always wore. The sadness and despair were etched over his features. “Kid, its okay. You're not in any trouble or danger. I just wanna help you” Jiraiya pressed on, treating Naruto like a cornered animal. “I don’t need any help,” Naruto rasped, clearly on the verge of tear, “I've done just fine on my own...”

 

Jiraiya felt the shift in the room as Naruto’s chakra started to gather. He knew Naruto was about to make a run for it, despite everything he had just said. “Naruto... I’m sorry...” with these words, Jiraiya pounced, effectively knocking Naruto out and placing a tracking mark on him should he flee. He didn’t place the mark anywhere Naruto would notice, he placed it on the base of his neck, just under his hairline. “I’m not losing you, kid” Jiraiya murmured before leaving the room, sealing the door and attending the meeting with Tsunade, Kakashi and Iruka.

 

* * *

 

 Having been knocked out, Naruto was stuck in his dreamscape with Kurama. It seemed like the perfect time to continue their internal argument.

 

“What the hell Kurama! Why would you call them? I know you don’t want to die but seriously, its time.”

**“Stupid fool. If I die, I reappear in a few years, it’s the cycle of my life. You are not so fortunate. I did it to save you. Thank me anytime.”**

 

“Thank you? Thank you?! I...”

**“Ha! You're welcome. Was that so hard?”**

 

“Kurama, you don’t get it. I don’t wanna live anymore. I've had enough. If I didn’t have such a deep loyalty to this resentful village, I would release your seal and then kill myself, but I just can’t do it. I know you would destroy this village.”

**“You are missing the point Kit. I don’t want you to release me. I want you to trust me when I say, you need help. I should’ve made you get help years ago, but I thought I could handle it. I thought if you became strong and defeated the enemy, the people would genuinely cherish you. But I was wrong. I don’t think there is anything we can do to change their minds. I am sorry for all the pain I have brought you, so let me help you heal.”**

**“** I don’t want to heal, Kurama. I want this to be over. Now I have to explain myself. Now I have to talk to people. Now I have to let them see how pathetic I really am. I'm meant to be a shinobi. My emotions aren’t supposed to be visible but mine are written all over my body. I’ll never be able to fool those three with my genjutsu again...”

 

**“Just try Naruto. They care for you. Let them help. If it doesn’t help, then I will help you manipulate them into leaving you alone so you can continue down the path before you, but you must at least try to see the light.”**

Naruto conceded with a slight nod. “Fine, I will try. I don’t think it will help but you are the only one who has never lied to me, betrayed or abandoned me so I will trust you Kurama. Just so you know, I’m still pissed off about this stunt.” He said with a pout.

 

* * *

 

“Tsunade, Naruto woke up briefly and you were right. He was going to bolt. I had to knock him out. Let’s have this meeting quickly, I can’t guarantee how long my jutsu will last. He is much stronger and smarter than I realised.” Tsunade nodded and told Kakashi and Iruka to present their findings. They laid 5 journals, 12 letters and numerous deadly items across the Hokage’s table before explaining.

 

“Each of these letters is a suicide note from a previous attempt. The earliest one is from 10 years ago when Naruto was only 6 years old. Looking back through hospital records, the day after it was written, Naruto was found at the bottom of Hokage Rock with multiple bones broken and a concussion. He was found by Lord Third and taken to the hospital to heal.” Iruka stated, trying to detach the facts from the person he thought of as a little brother.

 

“There is a similar story to each letter. Hospital records indicate he was admitted and treated for poison, blood loss, various concussion, broken bones and most troubling rope burn around his neck. He was never self-admitted, always being brought in by someone who had found him in a bad way. Most commonly someone from the Anbu.  No one ever bothered to get the full story from Naruto and he was treated as quickly as possible and sent home.” Iruka couldn’t stop the tears that welled in his eyes as he spoke of the various attempts Naruto has made on his life.

 

Tsunade and Jiraiya looked over the items, horrified. “What about these?” Tsunade asked, pointing at the journals, “Do they shed some more light on his thoughts?”

 

“Yes, lady Hokage. Naruto has been journaling everything since he first learnt to write. These are in-depth accounts of Naruto’s everyday life, his attempted suicide and any incidents that lead him to self-harm since he was six years old. They detail how he felt and what he was thinking. They also speak of the Kyuubi talking to Naruto and treating him as a friend. I couldn’t bring myself to read too much of it. Everyone in the village is mentioned by name. We are all in there at one point of another as well. The most recent journal stops just before he left on his training with you Lord Jiraiya, either he stopped journaling or has the recent ones hidden elsewhere.” Kakashi finished, nodding his head towards Jiraiya who looked absolutely devastated. He remembered seeing Naruto writing, but he thought he was probably just writing love letters to his crush, not that he was detailing his pain. He would have to go searching for those journals to see what part he played in Naruto’s suffering.

 

“Well,” Tsunade started, trying to think of a solution without hurting Naruto anymore than they already had, “Leave the journals and letter with me, I will work through them and devise a suitable psychological intervention to help with his depression and anxiety. Jiraiya You need to find those journals. We need to know if something happened once, he returned to the village or if it happened before. Iruka, Naruto will be staying with you when he is allowed to leave. Please go prepare a room for him and remove any dangerous herbs that may be in your home. Kakashi, I need to you watch over Naruto and talk to him when he wakes. If he tries to run, let him. Jiraiya put a tracker on him so he will follow him. As a precaution, if he runs, summon your hounds to follow him but to keep their distance. We need to know what he is thinking but we can’t push him. Understood?” Tsunade asked, the voice of the Hokage wavering with sadness.

 

“Hai!” all three responded in unison, separating to complete their assigned missions.

 

* * *

 

‘Oh Naruto, how did we never notice you were suffering so much?’ Tsunade thought as she opened the journal and flipped to the page dated closest to her arrival in the leaf village.

 

**_I honestly don’t know why I bother writing these. Its not like anyone cares anyway but oh well. Looks like no matter what I do, I will always just be the demon fox. I brought Granny Tsunade back to the village, helped defeat Orichimaru and Kabuto but all I got for it was beaten by a group of villagers after Pervy sage and Granny went to the Hokages office. Sure I could’ve killed them all but then I would be exactly what they fear. Worse than they, they broke into my apartment and destroyed the only thing I really treasure, the letter Gaara wrote me, claiming to be my friend. I really wish I had left this village when I had the chance. Why do I feel the need to protect it when all it brings me is pain? I’m gonna try and end it all again tonight. This time I’m gonna try hanging myself. So far nothing else has worked but surely none of the hateful villages will leave their celebrations tonight, nor will there be any ninjas around to ‘save’ me. I hope it works this time._ **

****

Tsunade could feel tears falling from her eyes as she continued reading to the next entry.

 

**_Didn’t work again. Stupid Anbu bastard, cutting me down and taking me to the hospital. It’s a good thing none of them really care to save me or I’m sure Granny Tsunade would have bitten my head off for trying to off myself before making me talk about my feelings of something. One day I’m gonna get this right. I will find the right time, place and method and no one will stop me._ **

 

 

Tsunade closed the journal and found the letter that matched the journal dates.

 

**_I've done all I can for this village. Its safe now. Granny will be a great Hokage and Pervy Sage will make sure she stays safe. I’m sorry for all the trouble I have caused everyone. Every last regret inside of me is my own. I wish I had never been born but since I was, I’m glad I got to bring Granny home and know that this hateful village will still be safe. I’m happy for it to be over._ **

****

**_Naruto_ **

 

Tsunade completely lost it then. Her wails became uncontrolled as she cried and cried and cried. Naruto experienced so much pain and no one ever knew. She was ashamed for never having picked up on the sadness he was experiencing. She tried to calm herself as she thought of an intervention that would help Naruto deal with the years of abuse and develop some self-love along the way. She decided that he would need an outlet since he had a clear disdain for talking about his feelings. She was still thinking of what to do when she heard Kakashi’s hounds howl. “Naruto...” She whispered as she dried her tears and followed the sound of the howling dogs.


	4. Round Two

 

Naruto awoke and was greeted by Kakashi’s worried face. ‘Oh great,’ Naruto thought, internally rolling his eyes, ‘Round two.’

 

“Ah Naruto. You're awake! How are you feeling?” Kakashi asked, unable to keep his voice even though his face revealed none of his concern.

 

‘Lets try this again. Gotta feel them out, find out what they know and what they don’t.’ He thought, calculated his odds of outrunning his sensei and figuring out a course of action. Just because he said he would try, didn’t mean he needed to lay his pathetic life before them. “I'm great Kakashi-Sensei. Man, that was a good sleep. Well I think im just gonna head home now. Tell Pervy Sage I’m feeling much better.” Naruto willed all his enthusiasm and energy into his voice, seeing if his sensei would let him leave or if he needed to go with plan B.

 

“I’m sorry Naruto but no one is buying it this time. We have all been turning a blind eye to your various injuries, believing you were just clumsy or unskilled, but we know you aren’t either of those things. Nor are you as unintelligent as you have led us to believe. I think its time we had a little chat, don’t you?” Kakashi asked, silently praying Naruto would agree to having the conversation rather than running.

 

Naruto only spared one word in response before a yellow flash moved before Kakashi’s eyes and Naruto was gone.

 

 “NO”.

 

* * *

 

*Meanwhile at Iruka’s house*

‘How did this happen? How have I never noticed how much pain he was in.’ Iruka let his thoughts become a background murmur as he tidied his house and prepared a room for Naruto.

 

Iruka busied himself removing the herbs he had gathered to study as part of his chunin research, hiding any of his various weapons from sight and fixing the guest bedroom. He was sure Naruto would not willingly accept this arrangement, but he was determined to help his little brother.

 

As Iruka made his guest bed and began clearing the drawers he came across a picture of Naruto from the academy days, wearing that grin and causing trouble with his pranks. Iruka was caught by a memory that didn’t sit quite right with him. He allowed his mind to wander through it.

 

* * *

 

**_8 years ago_ **

_“Naruto, what are you doing?” Iruka asked, worried about whatever prank Naruto had in mind. Naruto was carrying a first aid box, a journal and a bottle of bleach._

_“Just doing a bit of cleaning up around the apartment. Nothing sinister, I promise Iruka” Naruto mumbled back, careful not to make eye contact or slow his walk more than necessary. Iruka brushed off his concern and continued about his business._

_The next day Naruto came to class and was rather quiet and distant. He didn’t scream out, didn’t volunteer for sparing matches against Sasuke and didn’t participate unless it was demanded. He didn’t look up from the ground at all. When he was forced into a sparing match against Choji, he was instantly defeated and everyone laughed, continuing with their usual comments. Naruto didn’t even try to refute them. He just plastered his sheepish grin across his face and walked to the back of the group._

_The following day he was almost back to his usual self, he complained about the work, told people he would be Hokage one day and painted the Hokage monument. Iruka chalked it up to him having a bad night’s sleep and did not give it a second thought._

* * *

 

‘Why didn’t I notice? He must have been in so much pain. I should’ve done more to help him. I bet that was an attempt. I’ll need to see his journal to find out what part I played in that.’ Iruka felt his mind try to recall other similar incidents but was pulled from his thoughts as he heard the howling of Kakashi’s hounds.

 

“Naruto...”

 

* * *

 

*Meanwhile with Jiraiya *

 

Jiraiya frantically searched through the boxes of things he had stored after his three years training with Naruto. He didn’t think he would have his journals because there is no way the kid would part with them just like that, but he was sure he could figure it out if he found his journal. There was something nagging at him, a conversation he wrote down because it gave him a great story idea.

 

* * *

 

 

_“Hey Naruto, if you had to hid something, where would you hide it?” Jiraiya asked, needing to figure out a plot point for his new story._

_“That easy. In plain sight. No one ever thinks finding something would be that easy. I wouldn’t even try to hide it. I’d put it on display.” Naruto answered before he went back to scribbling away at the paper before him._

_“That’s clever kid. I like it.”_

 

* * *

 

Jiraiya pondered where would be considered plain sight for Naruto’s journal that Kakashi and Iruka would’ve missed. He went to Naruto’s apartment and began looking around as if he was just admiring the décor. His eyes were struck by a small bookshelf he kept in the corner of his bedroom. He felt a moment of pride as all his signed copies were proudly on display. He then noticed that Naruto had two copies of several of his books.  He opened the first pair. One was his book, the other was a journal hidden behind the cover of his book. He found two more journals hidden the same way. Feeling pretty accomplished with himself, he was about to leave when his eyes were caught on the first novel he ever wrote, ‘Tale of a gutsy Ninja’.  The book was note facing spine out like all the other books but was perpendicular.

 

He had never given the novel to Naruto and couldn’t believe he had it in his possession. His shock at this discovery was made more potent when he pulled the novel off the shelf and discovered it had been used to conceal a hidden stash of pictures. He found pictures of Kushina and Minato, himself, Iruka, Kakashi, Tsunade, his classmates and Lord Third. Most troublingly he found a picture of Naruto that had clearly been destroyed. As he turned the pictures over, he noticed each one had writing on the back. Each photo told the story of that person in Naruto’s life, what he was thankful for and most often, apologising for his life. Jiraiya felt his heart ache as he read the back of his smiling picture.

 

_Pervy Sage, you have been the closest thing to family that I have ever known. I  am sorry that you felt like you owed this to my parents and that I took time away from you living how you like. I know it doesn’t mean much but I’m sorry for all the disruptions I caused over the last few years. I'm grateful for all the time you spent on me and for you finally showing me what it’s like to have a family. I will treasure the memories we made together always. I know I wasn’t always as grateful as I should’ve been. Thank you for showing me a little glimpse of the light._

Jiraiya felt his eyes water at the words his little genin had wrote. He was about to read what Naruto had to say to Kushina and Minato when he heard the unmistakeable howl of Kakashi’s hounds.

 

“Naruto...” Jiraiya whispered as he activated his tracking jutsu. “He’s heading for the Hokage monument.”


	5. Overwhelmed

**Chapter 5**

 

Jiraiya ran frantically, following the tracker he had placed on Naruto. He wasn’t sure why help felt so desperate. Naruto’s previous patterns told him that no two attempts were made directly after one another but the evidence he found, the pictures and the journals had him wondering if this would be another attempt. He prayed the Kyuubi would continue to protect him.

 

Jiraiya slowed as he saw Naruto sitting on the edge of Minato’s monument. He could sense that Kakashi and Tsunade were at the bottom of the monument while Iruka was standing at the edge of the forest clearing, far enough to hear nothing but close enough to sense any changes. Jiraiya breathed a sigh of relief as he walked close to Naruto, making his footfalls loud enough to be heard so he didn’t startle his Genin.

 

“I know you’re there Pervy Sage. Just like I know Granny and Kakashi-Sensei are underneath me and Iruka-Sensei is close by. Haven’t you guys figured out yet that I have a knack for  sensing the chakra and emotions of those around me?” Naruto spoke with such a flat voice, Jiraiya almost didn’t believe it was Naruto talking to him.

 

“Ah Kid, it would seem that there is a lot you haven’t been telling us. I guess you being a strong sensory ninja shouldn’t be a surprise to any of us.” Jiraiya responded, walking to sit at a comfortable distance next to Naruto, dangling his legs over Minato’s head.

 

“What do you want?” Naruto asked, barely more than a whisper.

 

“I wanted to make sure you were alright. A lot has happened in the last 24 hours and none of us could bare to think about losing you.”

 

Naruto chuckled a cold laugh at this response. “You have all been lying to me my entire life. Heck most of you weren’t even around till a few years ago. I don’t think it would matter if I just disappeared, you could all go back to your own lives as if I was never there.”

 

 ** _‘Kit, I thought you were going to try?’_** The Kyuubi asked, sensing the dam breaking around his vessels bottled emotions.

_‘I had every intention of trying but I am feeling everything right now. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to break things. I want to fight. I want them all to know how much pain they have caused me, but I don’t want to hurt them. I need this all to stop.’_

 

Naruto’s thoughts tumbled out in a blur. He was fighting to quiet his mind, but he couldn’t find a suitable way to make it stop. He knew it was going to work but he grabbed a kunai he had stolen from Kakashi when he fled. He held it gentle in his hand, concealing it from Jiraiya’s line of sight.

 

 ** _‘Then scream Kit. Cry, break things. Don’t bottle it up anymore. They already know. What is the point of hiding anymore?’_ **Kurama pleaded, feeling the blade break his vessels skin.

_‘I can’t Kurama. If I show them how pathetic I really am, there is no going back. I will never be able to change the pity in their eyes. I can’t live with their pity.’_ Naruto thought back, feeling his grip tighten on the Kunai as the blade plunged a little deeper into his thigh.

 

Jiraiya watched cautiously, not knowing what was going on in Naruto’s head. He weighed his options:

  1. Forcing Naruto to leave the monument and return to the Hokage tower.
  2. Waiting for Naruto to make a move.
  3. Keep pushing to find out what’s going on.



 

He quickly dismissed option a and b as the tang of blood coated his senses. Using force could make things worse and it became apparent Naruto had no intention of moving. Jiraiya had no choice but to continue the conversation and see where it led. He started amassing chakra just in case something went wrong, and he needed to act.

 

“You know, I’ve been a part of your life longer than you’ve been alive. I was the very first person your parents told when they found out they were pregnant. Heck they even named you after a character in my book. I always thought losing them was the hardest thing that would ever happen until today. Now I know, losing you would break me. Please Naruto, let me in...” Jiraiya pleaded, feeling the weight of his earlier promise to Minato and Kushina.

 

“Why? You never told me who my parent were. None of you did. Everyone made me feel like I was some worthless kid who came from nothing. Konohomaru is treated like a fricken rock star just for being the old man’s grand kid, yet I’m the son of the fourth Hokage and I'm treated like crap. No one even had the decency to tell me that I was loved and that they didn’t want to leave me. I had to find out from Kurama. Do you know how pathetic you have to be to have the Kyuubi have a change of heart? Why should I bother with any of this? I have been doing just fine on my own...”

 

Naruto’s voice hitched as the blade slammed into bone in his thigh. Jiraiya then realised that this was not a suicide attempt but an attempt to convert his emotion pain to a physical sensation. However he realised a moment too late as blood spurt from Naruto’s leg. It was evident Naruto had lost consciousness. He began falling.

 

Jiraiya was too stunned to move. Luckily Kakashi wasn’t. He caught Naruto halfway through the descent and returned him to the top of the monument. Tsunade was close behind him. She removed the Kunai and began healing the wound. Iruka came to the scene, visibly shaken by what had just unfolded.

 

Tsunade did not mess around, telling Jiraiya to carry Naruto back to the Hokage tower and for the other two to follow. This time they had no choice but to restrain Naruto for his own safety. He had stabbed through an artery and chipped his femur. If he tried to run again, he would reopen his wound and continue bleeding out which was not an option at this point. They locked the door and left Tsunade’s personal ANBU to watch over the unconscious Naruto.

 

* * *

 

“This is far worse than I thought.” Tsunade sat in her chair feeling rather defeated. She knew it was bad but she didn’t think letting him run would make the situation worse. She regretted not telling Kakashi to stop him at all costs.

 

“Ok,” she regained her composure and put on her battle face, “We now have all his journals and notes. You three are his teachers, the closest thing he has to family, responsible for the different stages in his life. You are to read the journals that are from the stage he was under your care. I will analyse the notes and devise a suitable treatment. We have roughly 24 hours before the medical ninjutsu I cast over him wears off. He will then awaken and be moving in with you Iruka.”

 

Iruka nodded, dreading what he would read about in Naruto’s journals.

 

“Kakashi, you will be required to make sure that news of this does not spread. If anyone asks, tell them he has been sent on a high ranking, top secret mission and will return by the end of the week. Jiraiya, I need you to be there when he wakes up and take him to Iruka.”

 

Kakashi and Jiraiya nod in response.

 

“Make sure you disguise the journals as you read them. I don’t want anyone, even Naruto knowing what we are doing. Got it?” Tsunade asked and dismissed them following their answering nod. Tsunade gathered the letters and her medical textbook on trauma and treatment before settling into the chaise lounge in her office with a bottle of sake.


	6. Buried in Guilt

**Chapter 6**

 

Iruka felt the weight of the world on his shoulders as he walked back to his apartment. He carried Naruto’s journals like they were a newborn baby, needing him for warmth. He was apprehensive to say the least about doing this. Talking to Naruto is one thing but reading thoughts he has written down in something so private as a journal feels like a betrayal. Iruka wished there was another way.

 

As he was about to open the door to his apartment, a young voice called out to him.

 

“Iruka Sensei. Have you seen big brother Naruto? He was gonna show me a new technique today but I can’t find him anywhere.” Konohomaru asked, clearly out of breath.

 

Iruka did his best to flash a smile to his pupil, “He’s gone on a mission. Should be back by the end of the week. When I see him next, I will remind him.”

 

“Oh... ok. Thanks, Iruka-sensei. ” Konohomaru mumbled as he began walking away, clearly unhappy with not getting to train with Naruto.

 

Iruka opened his door and entered the apartment. He grabbed a cover off one of his teaching books and wrapped it around the earliest of Naruto’s journals.  The earliest entry was from his first day at the academy when he was just 6 years old. Iruka could practically hear the young version of Naruto through the words written on the page.

 

_I started at the academy today. It didn’t go well. No one would talk to me, Sensei wouldn’t even look at me. The other kids kept staring and whispering. I tried my best, but it seems like I'm not even there. I don’t understand. What did I ever do to anyone? I thought being ignored all day would be the worst but while I was walking home, some of my classmates’ parents found me and beat me. They spat on me, calling me a filthy demon and telling me to just go die. One of them even blamed me for the fourth Hokage’s death. I don’t get it. I’m just a kid. I hate this._

Iruka could feel his heart breaking as he finished reading the first entry. He didn’t become Naruto’s sensei till half way through that year. His predecessor was a stern old man with a deep hatred for the nine-tails that killed his daughter. Its no wonder he treated Naruto so poorly. Iruka felt a wave of guilt wash over him. ‘ _was I really any different. I blamed Naruto for my parent’s death too. I’m the real monster here. He was just a kid...’_

* * *

Jiraiya sank further into his chair as he watched the unconscious Naruto. He thought the kid looked so peaceful and couldn’t quite wrap his head around the events of the last 24 hours. He felt a bone deep weariness that stemmed from his guilt of not saying something when he first noticed the boys habit. Jiraiya will always regret not trying to talk to Naruto about how he was feeling and what he could do to help. He felt like he had betrayed not only Naruto but Minato as well. He should have been a better Master. He should have been a better god father.

 

Jiraiya exhaled a mighty sigh, feeling his heart race as he slipped the Cover of his latest book over one of Naruto’s journals. He has chosen the latest one, looking for clues into his students seemingly sudden decline. That was what he kept telling hiself at least. In reality, he didn’t want to read the earlier ones, he knew he hadn’t treated the kid well from the start and couldn’t bring himself to face the suffering he would’ve caused by being the asshole he knew he was at first.

 

The journal he was reading began in the final year of their training journey together.

 

_Pervy Sage tried to loosen my seal today. He looked so disappointed when nothing happened. I honestly can’t believe he still hasn’t figured it out. Does anybody notice anything? Am I completely invisible? Or am I just inconsequential? Anyway, he looked dumbfounded, so I told Kurama to leak his Chakra visibly and create a little show. This seemed to be what Pervy Sage was expecting so he  attempted to tighten the seal. Little did he know that I have already undine the seal from the inside. If Kurama wanted he could take over. I wouldn’t care. I just want all of this to be over. I'm done being a nobody. It doesn’t seem like anything I do will ever be enough. I hope Pervy Sage goes out soon. I have the contestant thrumming in my veins that I need to get out._

Jiraiya closed the journal, letting his mind replay the memory how he saw it. How he loosened the seal and was poised for the fight he thought was coming but nothing. Naruto just stood there, silent and shaking. Jiraiya didn’t realise it but Naruto was on the verge of tears. The memory continued and Naruto’s eyes flashed red. The chakra filled the room but it didn’t destroy anything. It just made Jiraiya feeling uneasy, sad and lonely. He couldn’t stand feeling like he had hurt Naruto so he redid the seal or so he thought. Jiraiya could not believe how much of their journey was a lie.

 

He felt himself think of all the times he told Naruto to keep his emotions in check, particularly his anger, so he didn’t trigger the nine tails. Now that he truly thought about it, the nine tails made an appearance when he was sad or distraught more than he was angry. Jiraiya felt absolutely ashamed with how much he didn’t notice and how much he hurt his student by being so blind. He hoped Kakashi and Iruka were having an easier time walking through Naruto’s pain.


	7. Looking Back

**Chapter 7**

 

Naruto was really getting sick and tired of being stuck in his dreamscape. Whatever happened after he passed out had him stuck and unable to wake up. ‘C’mon. I bet Granny used one of her jutsu’s to keep me unconscious. I shouldn’t have done what I did. Now they will think I am a complete nut. Bet I wake up restrained for my own safety.’

 

Kurama chuckled as his young charge complained about his current situation. **‘It’s gonna be fine Kit. They are gonna help you. You don’t have to do this alone anymore. Lets have some faith that they know what they are doing.’** Kurama spoke with nothing but affection for Naruto, truly grateful that the other shinobi had answered his call to save him.

 

‘How can I have faith in anyone. No one has ever bothered to help me or care. I cant believe Jiraiya knew about the cutting and didn’t care enough to help me. Why are they bothering now? Everyone would be better off without me. They have more important things to worry about.’ Naruto grew progressively more depressed as his thoughts led him to believe no one cared.

 

 **‘He cares Kit. They all do. You are wanted and needed. Don’t let the voices of those hateful villages become the only one that matters.’** Kurama countered.

 

The memories that were flooding his dreamscape showed all the times his pain was visible and how no one bothered to help. Naruto watched his suicide attempt as a six year old.

 

[Flashback]

 

It was the first day of the academy and Naruto was so excited to be starting. He didn’t have any family or friends and he was so excited to be included. He was dressed and ready to go before the sun had fully risen. He became anxious waiting in his apartment and began wandering around the streets of Konoha. The usual taunts and hateful words were thrown at him but he was so excited about his day, he barely even noticed. He walked to the Hokage Monument and watched the sunrise. He honestly thought the day was waking up to him and saying hello. It was breath-taking and the village was illuminated by hues of gold and pink.

 

Naruto felt like it was a good sign, that today would be amazing and lifechanging. He was right about it being life changing but that’s about it.

 

He waited outside the school on the swing set due to his nervous energy. When it was finally time to start, he entered with a bound in his step and a huge smile on his face. It wasn’t long before Naruto realised that all his hope had been misplaced. No one talked to him, he was not acknowledged by his sensei and the students threw hateful insults at him throughout the day. No one went anywhere near him during lunch and he slowly felt his heart break open as he realised being at the academy changed absolutely nothing.

 

He was distracted as he walked home that afternoon. He watched his feet as they walked, counting his steps and wondering if anything would ever change. It all happened so quick that he had no chance to react. One moment he was walking, the next he was slammed against an iron fence. The only thing he could see was one fist after another hitting his face, forcing him further to the ground.

 

They yelled at him, warning him to stay away from their children. Telling him he had no business being a shinobi. Urging him to kill himself and rid the village of his darkness.

 

By the time they finally stopped beating him, the sun had fully set, and it was a moonless night. Naruto lay there for another hour, gathering the strength required to move. He couldn’t stop the tears that flowed down his face. It hurt to move, to breathe, to be alive. He felt himself begin to walk on shaky legs with only one thought in his mind.

 

_‘It has to end. It has to end. It has to end...’_

Naruto walked on the outskirts of the town, not wanting to face any more abuse. He made his way to the top of the Hokage Monument. He took a page from his academy not book and wrote his first suicide note.

 

_I’m so sorry for whatever I did. I didn’t mean to._

_I’ll do what I was told now and just die. I didn’t mean to be a bother._

_I just wanted some friends._

_I wanted to know how to smile and laugh for real but now I just want to be done._

_This ends now_

_Naruto_

 

He folded the letter and tucked it in his jacket pocket before taking his final steps to the edge of Lord fourths head. He felt this warmth coming from his stomach but he was too focused on the approaching end to stop his advance. He watched as the ground came up to meet him and it seemed so slow. After he felt a dull ache, everything went black.

 

He woke up a few hours later in the hospital. A nurse was sneering at him, handed him his release papers and told him to get out. Naruto could barely walk but he managed to hobble out of the hospital and to his apartment. His release papers said that he had two cracked ribs, a broken arm, a concussion and a fractured ankle. No further treatment was provided for the six year old and he was absent from the academy for two weeks following the incident. Everyone was disappointed when he finally returned.

 

[End Flashback]

 

‘ _Even then, no one cared. I was six years old. Why even bother to take me to the hospital?’_

**‘You wouldn’t have died anyway Kit. I had my chakra wrapped around you even then. At the time it minimised any pain you felt as you hit the ground, but your body was so string. You healed on your own for the most part. I had to help set your bones with my chakra since those horrible people did nothing to help. Think about all the good things you would’ve missed in your life if you had died then? You would have never met Gaara or Jiraiya or Tsunade. Not even Iruka and Kakashi. People care now. That’s all that matters.’**


	8. Knowing the pain

**Chapter 8**

Iruka was devastated by the amount of pain detailed by his student as a six-year-old. He has experienced things no one should go through let alone a child. The people of the village were so cruel in their absolute isolation of him. When did he first experience positive emotions? Iruka began to wonder if he was the first person to look at him with any kind of affection and was riddled with guilt for how long that process took. He hadn’t even made it that far through Naruto’s journal, he was only up to the second entry and he knew things were only going to get harder.

 

He continued reading. Iruka read the entry that followed Naruto’s first suicide attempt. There were tear stains all over the page and the scrawl was almost unrecognisable. According to the hospital records, he suffered serious damage but was released within an hour of regaining consciousness.

 

_I don’t think I can do anything right. I couldn’t even manage to die. I bet they hate me even more now.  I can’t go anywhere for a while._

_If I went outside, they would just beat me more. I can barely walk, everything hurts. It hurts to breathe. I don’t wanna do this anymore. But I have to._

_Once I can walk, I’ll go back to the academy and pretend that nothing is wrong. I’ll smile and laugh, and I won’t let anyone ever see how much I’m hurting._

_No one will ever know and then maybe the next time I try I will have more luck._

_If no one knows I'm hurting, no one can stop me. I will look like I’m so happy and all the things they say to me that hurt, I won’t let it show. I will bury it._

Iruka was absolutely flawed by the pain he felt through Naruto’s words. He remembers the two weeks following Naruto entering the academy and his absence was largely left unchecked. The usual policy is to check on students who have extended absences, but he knows there was no follow through on him. People rejoiced when Naruto was absent. Iruka remembers a time when he felt the same. Iruka felt the shame wash over him. Reading through this journal was proving to be a very difficult task for the compassionate chunin.

 

* * *

 

 

Kakashi stared at his young charge as he slipped his Ichi Ichi cover of Naruto’s journal. He picked the journal at random from his pile and opened to the first page. It began around the training for the chunin exams. Kakashi thought back to the events of the chunin exam that lead his students to fight and one to flee.

 

Kakashi began reading the first entry. It detailed his announcement that they would be participating in the exams and that no missions would be taken in the two weeks leading up to it.

 

_I don’t know how I feel about these exams. I’m not smart and I’m not very strong. Kurama keeps telling me that everything will be fine because he has got my back, but I don’t feel like there’s any point. Maybe I can stage an accident during the exams and finally end this all. Kurama doesn’t like the idea but he gets it. Sasuke has started pulling away from our team, Sakura never looks at me with anything but disgust and Kakashi won’t give me the time of day. I'm just as invisible as I always was. I know I've saved a few people and completed some missions, but it hasn’t changed anything. People still look at me with hatred and all I feel is pain. I just don’t know what the point of any of this is._

Kakashi could feel his heart wrenching. It was like losing his father all over again. Knowing his actions had caused his student to feel such overwhelming despair. He had never meant to make Naruto feel like he wasn’t valued. He had always had a special relationship with the boy. Part of him felt regret for Minato’s demise in order to save Naruto and the other part wanted to honour his sensei by caring for his son. It would seem he had failed Minato as a student and a friend.

 

Kakashi looked up in time to see Naruto being surrounded by the nine tails chakra. It wrapped around him like a protective cocoon. Kakashi was quite concerned and decided to see if the chakra would give him any insight if he were to touch it with his own.

 

Kakashi’s charka lashed out like a blue lightning bolt and coiled around Naruto’s arm. Kakashi felt such a deep sadness paralyse his body. He was experiencing Naruto’s emotions. The sadness he felt want even the most overwhelming. There was a constant buzz that made him want to rip his skin open and the heart wrenching pain of loneliness, failure and despair.

 

Kakashi felt himself relax as his chakra unwound and returned to him. Kakashi could hardly breathe as he realised the pain the young shinobi has been dealing with for the majority of his life. He closed the journal and just watched Naruto as the chakra around him swayed and moved in a soothing pattern.


	9. New beginnings

**Chapter 9**

 

Naruto was starting to feel the jutsu weaken. He wanted to wake up but the memories were intoxicating. He cold feel each slice of the blade as it danced along his skin. He could feel the blood drain and his body become weightless. He could feel the poison burn his throat as he drank it. He could feel the air rush from his lungs as he hit the ground. He was mesmerised by the feel of the rope against his neck. He wants to wake up but at the same time he never wanted to wake up, he wanted to remain stuck with these white waves of ecstasy for the remainder of his days, until his body withers away and is swallowed by the earth.

 

* * *

 

Kakashi was startled as the red chakra vanished leaving Naruto shaking and thrashing, trying to break free from his restraints. Kakashi wasn’t sure how to handle the situation. Should he rouse his young charge? Should he hold him down? Should he get Tsunade? He wasn’t sure how to handle this now that everything he ever thought he knew about Naruto has been a lie. He walked closer and noticed that Naruto had tears running down his face as he fought with his invisible attacker.

 

Kakashi reached out and touched Naruto on the shoulder.  Naruto stopped thrashing and Kakashi felt that he had calmed his young pupil. However, Naruto began thrashing and screaming immediately after Kakashi released a sigh of relief. It was like the pause was just a movement to gather his strength before the true fight began. Kakashi summoned a clone and told it to get Tsunade immediately. His clone vanished and Kakashi went back to trying to soothe his young charge.

 

* * *

 

Tsunade had devised a suitable strategy in her opinion, based on the information she gathered from the suicide notes and also from the personal journal of the third Hokage. Apparently the third Hokage was well aware of Naruto’s suicidal tendencies and chose to turn a blind eye.

 

As Tsunade read his personal account of finding Naruto after his first suicide attempt, she was gobsmacked by how stupid her sensei had become.

 

_Naruto was found at the bottom of the monument on my walk this morning. It was pretty obvious he jumped from the top. I have always felt that he was deeply saddened by the villagers rejection but I didn’t think he would actually try this. I know it would be a gross betrayal of Minato but part of me agrees with his choice. If he were to die, things would be easier for everyone. I could retract my decree, I would stop being pressured by the council and Danzo would stop pestering me to lock him away. Its funny how minato’s sacrifice for the sake of the village has brought me nothing but pressure and misery. I feel for the boy, I really do, but its obvious, this is what he wants as well. Would it be selfish of me or unethical to do nothing to stop this? Maybe I will let fate decide. I will take him to the hospital and then it will be back in his hands._

“What the hell Sarutobi-Sensei!?” Tsunade muttered a low string of curses following this angry outburst. “He was six years old you old bastard.”

 

Tsunade was growing progressively more pissed off the longer she stared at his journal entry. She picture him as a six-year-old who had never known love or affection and couldn’t fathom how her master thought his death could ever be a good thing. Naruto has always been a light, burning bright in the face of darkness. She could not understand who anyone could think that extinguishing that light would ever be a good thing.

 

Once Tsunade calmed her rage, she opened her medical textbook on trauma and treatment. She turned to the section on depression, suicidal ideation and anxiety. Most entries suggested combination therapy where a medication is combined with a counselling service or other behaviour therapy. Tsunade read through the list of possible medications and what elements they targeted. She devised that Naruto required a medication that increased his brain chemistry of serotonin. She studied the drugs and settled on trialling him on sertraline, a SSRI that prevented the brain from reabsorbing serotonin and allowed more to be utilised.

 

Her reasoning for choosing this medication was simple, it has shown to be effective with the treatment of other Jinchuuriki in the past and was noted as being used by Kushina when she was first adjusting to the nine-tails negative energy.

 

She also decided that talk therapy would not work for Naruto as he wouldn’t stick around to complete it, nor had he displayed any inclination to confess his problems to anyone let alone a stranger. She continued reading through therapy options until she came across a program called Dialectic Behaviour Therapy or DBT. The theory behind the approach is that some people are prone to react in a more intense and out-of-the-ordinary manner toward certain emotional situations. It is a form of talk therapy but can be modified to be included as part of Naruto’s training regime under the watchful eyes of Jiraiya, Kakashi and Iruka.

 

Tsunade was just finalising her recommendations and constructing a training program when Kakashi’s clone burst through the door, begging her to hurry.

 

* * *

 

By the time Tsunade reached Naruto, he had thrashed so much his restraints were barely holding on. He had also screamed himself hoarse. Nothing more that gravelly rasps were coming from the blondes lips.

 

 Tsunade assessed the situation and decided the best thing to do would be to release the jutsu and rouse Naruto. He had been unconscious for roughly 10 hours. It was uncommon for her jutsu to become this weakened in such a short time but it was strong enough to hold him in this state for a few more hours. However Tsunade made the call that it would be detrimental to his overall health if he were not awakened right now.

 

Kakashi was as pale as a ghost. Something had him pressing himself against the wall. Tsunade was unsure of what had happened in the moments it took her to get to the room, but it had really affected the Jounin.

 

Naruto stopped thrashing as Tsunade released the jutsu. His eyes started to open, and the tears continued to flow. He didn’t look relieved as he looked around and saw Tsunade and Kakashi staring at him. He knew he had made them both deeply sad and he noticed the way that Kakashi was shaking but he couldn’t find it in himself to be sorry for any of it. He knew that it was the only way for him, and he never wanted any of them to get involved. But he had promised Kurama that he would try. So try he would.

 

“Are the restraints really necessary? You know they won’t really prevent me from doing anything if I really want to right?” Naruto asked softly, his voice raw from all the screaming.

 

Tsunade nodded as she removed the restraints that tied his arms to the side of the bed.


	10. Trauma

**Chapter 10**

 

Kakashi could not believe the events that took place in the last 10 minutes. While his clone was getting Tsunade, he was pulled into Naruto’s genjutsu. He was able to see everything that was happening in Naruto’s mindscape. He saw every attempt, every cut the young ninja had made. Kakashi felt a weight of guilt settle over his chest as the reason for Naruto’s screaming and thrashing became apparent. He was screaming every time someone tried to save him. He didn’t want to be saved. Now, face to face with his student, Kakashi couldn’t help the tears that were spilling from his eye.

 

“Naruto..” Kakashi breathed, barely able to force the words out. “Did you mean to show me that?” He clutched at his chest as he choked on the words.

 

“You wanted to know what was going on inside my head, so I showed you...” Naruto trailed off, not wanting to make his sensei feel any worse than he already did. He knew that he had hurt Kakashi, heck he had hurt them all, but they still didn’t get it. They don’t understand.

 

“So, what now? Can I leave or am I stuck here?” Naruto asked, forcing himself to look at the people standing before him.

 

“Naruto...” they both replied in unison, unsure how to proceed.

 

Naruto had proven that his abilities and understanding exceed their expectations so it’s pretty obvious they would be mostly ineffective at stopping him from doing anything brash through force.

 

Naruto fidgeted impatiently as he waited for a response. Tsunade shook herself from her stupor and finally found a reply.

 

 “Naruto, as soon as you are feeling up to it, you are moving in with Iruka. You do not have a choice in the matter. We care about you far too much to allow you to keep walking down this path. You will also be training with Kakashi, Iruka and Jiraiya from now on. I will give you a new schedule to follow in the next week. You will also be required to take medication to help you feel a little more balanced. It is the same medication your mother was on when she was first made into a Jinchuuriki. Is there anything you would like to discuss with us?”

 

“You don’t understand. None of this is going to change anything. I am what I am. Don’t you think I have tried? I've done everything it could to be part of this village, to be valued and in the end, I'm still nothing. None of you even noticed. None of you ever cared so why start now?” Naruto asked through his tears.

 

It was Kakashi came out saying “Why didn’t you tell us? Why didn’t you say anything? We care about you so much. I can’t lose you. Not like this...” Kakashi’s voice broke as spoke. He could feel his body tremble as memories of his father flashed before his eyes.

 

“No one cares about me. My pain is my own. I am alone.” He repeated his mantra, calming his nerve as he saw the pain he had caused his sensei and he finally understood why. His father, his death. Naruto had never meant to cause his sensei that kind of pain. Sure he hadn’t always treated Naruto well, but he didn’t deserve to relive his trauma.

 

“I don’t want to talk anymore...” Naruto murmured when their silence grew too heavy.

 

“Ok.” Tsunade responded. “I’ll have your new medication sent to Iruka. Kakashi, please escort Naruto to his apartment to gather his things and then take him to Iruka’s. Naruto, please be mindful of your injuries. You damaged your leg quite significantly so you should not be moving too fast.”

 

Tsunade touched Kakashi on his shoulder as she left the room. He understood the message, work through it with him on the way. Their relationship has been ripped open due to his past and he needed to show Naruto that he held no negative feelings towards him and only wanted him to be ok.


	11. Trading Trauma

Naruto couldn’t walk very well and required a set of crutches to keep the pressure off his cracked femur. Kurama was unable to heal that damage due to the malnourished nature of Naruto’s body. Naruto didn’t even try to fight the depressive thoughts that invaded his mind as he hobbled out the hospital door, escorted by his sensei.

 

_Why can’t I just die already? I am causing everyone so much pain. I don’t want to do this anymore. I know I said I’d try but I don’t wanna. I am done with this life..._

Naruto’s thoughts continued in his head for the walk through Konoha, barely noticing the people who were trying to talk to him. Kakashi dutifully redirected their queries and praise, stating that Naruto had just returned from an S-Rank mission and wasn’t quite himself. No one rejected his story, nor did they pry any further. Kakashi was beginning to understand how Naruto had managed to keep his depression hidden for song long, he had always been an amazing story teller and people were generally happy to walk away from him.

 

Once they arrived at Naruto’s apartment, Kakashi opened the door and helped Naruto. Everything about Naruto’s body language screamed at Kakashi that something wasn’t right. Naruto stopped his hobble when he entered the bedroom. He froze, dropping his crutches from underneath himself as his legs buckled and his head lolled to the side. Kakashi caught him moments before he crumpled into the carpet.

 

When he looked at the young ninja in his arms, he noticed the tremors wracking through his body and the tears rushing down his face. His eyes were glazed over, and his hands were digging into his palms. Kakashi wasn’t sure how to proceed. He decided that overanalysing the situation would get him nowhere and went for the simplest approach. He embraced his young charge in a gentle hug, rubbing soothing circles in his back, waiting for him to regain control.

 

Inside Naruto’s mind, he was being barraged by every negative thought he had ever had while hiding in his apartment. The thoughts were overwhelming, and he felt himself drowning. It wasn’t the good kind of drowning, no. these waves weren’t white and full of ecstasy. Instead they were grey and slimly, like oil, coating his skin and pulling him down deeper and deeper. Making it hard to breathe, to think, to move.

 

Naruto felt like he had become a passenger in his own life. He was so disconnected from his body, he watched as his legs collapsed and Kakashi caught him. He couldn’t feel the ninja’s arms wrap him in an embrace and he couldn’t feel the nails he had dug into his own palms. It was like watching the events happen to someone else. All he feel was the overwhelming thoughts that made even his projection feel too heavy to move.

 

Kakashi started murmuring a chant in Naruto’s ear while tapping a rhythm on his back.  The words he was saying began to cut through the noise of Naruto’s mind. “This too shall pass.” He murmured, tapping in time, “This is only a moment of suffering, this is not your life. There is no danger here. I am with you.”

 

Naruto began to return to his body. He could feel the taps on his back and the arm Kakashi cradled him in. His breathing slowed as his nails uncurled from his palms, leaving on bloody cuts. He slowly blinked his eyes, clearing the haze and the tears. Gradually he sat up, trying to distance himself from his sensei.

 

He had never had an episode of dissociation with an audience before. He was always alone when it happened and now, he felt like another piece of himself had been laid bare. He felt so vulnerable and exposed. He tried to push Kakashi away but had no strength to even move from his grasp. His sensei lifted him gingerly and placed him on the edge of the bed, removing the physical contact that was obviously bugging his genin but also catering to his injured leg.

 

“Naruto.” Kakashi whispered as he sat next to Naruto but not within his space. “do you want to talk?” He asked and waited for a response. Naruto shook his head, still trying to calm his mind.

 

“Okay. How about you just listen then. Let me help you.” Kakashi waited for his subtle nod before he continued. “I remember feeling like the world wouldn’t mind it if I just stopped existing, like no one would even notice. After my father died, I didn’t think I could go on. It wasn’t even that he was dead. I mean, as ninja’s, death is just part of the job but he chose to leave me. I was 8 years old and he chose to end his life and leave me alone.”

 

Kakashi took a deep breath, recalling a pain he hadn’t ever wanted to explore but swallowing his fear for the young ninja sitting next to him. “I was always a cold child but after he died, I became numb. I couldn’t feel anything. I didn’t see a point in forming friendships or opening myself to love because at the end of the day, everyone would choose to leave, just like my father. Something broke in me when I found him. I couldn’t understand his choices. First to ignore the shinobi code and then to take his own life. After he died, I wasn’t truly alive.”

 

Kakashi felt a pain spread through his chest. He clutched at his jacket and crumpled forward slightly. Naruto, to his surprise, reached a hand out in offer and Kakashi took it. Naruto was still staring straight ahead but he was starting to return to himself.

 

Kakashi continued. “I threw myself into following the rules without question. If someone dies following the rules then that was fine because if you didn’t follow the rules, someone else would die anyway. I was so shut off, even your father couldn’t reach me. If it wasn’t for Obito, I might’ve stayed that way forever. He showed me that opening myself up to people wasn’t the worst thing I could do and not everyone would choose to leave me. But then everyone died. Obito, Rin, Minato-sensei. I was so lost. Rin chose to kill herself too, but she used my chidori to do it. I was overcome by grief. I wanted to see what was waiting on the other side for me, since this world had nothing for me. I started making a plan, getting my affairs in order and writing my suicide note.”

 

Naruto squeezed Kakashi’s hand in a silent support.

 

“I decided I would do it the same way my father did. A sword. There was something nice about completing the cycle the same way he started it.”

 

“What stopped you?” Naruto asked, turning slightly to face their joint hands. He still felt unable to meet his eyes.

 

“You did.” Kakashi breathed, almost feeling a weight removed from his shoulders. “The day that I had planned to end my own life, I saw you, running around the village, telling people you would be the Hokage someday. Even then you burned so brightly, like a light in the darkness. You were so much like Obito in the way you behaved but you looked just like Sensei.  You made me pause for a minute. It was long enough for you to turn around and ask me why I looked like I crap.” Kakashi laughed.

 

“It was the first time I felt my muscles relax. You were only a kids, no more than 5 but you saw me and everything I was hiding. You made me want to watch your story unfold, to see the values of my friend and my sensei. I wanted to see how you would change the world. After that encounter, I was in no hurry to end my life. The option was always there if I felt the need but everything you did made me want to live. Every time you proved someone wrong or showed your inner strength, I wanted to be a part of that.  I wanted to have a role in your story, to honour the people who showed me how to love after my father died.”

 

Kakashi turned fully to face Naruto, knees brushing slightly. Naruto turned, working up the nerve to make eye contact.

 

“I am so sorry that I didn’t do right by you.” Kakashi continued. “I should’ve tried harder but I based my actions on what I saw. You were so vibrant and full of life, I thought Sasuke needed me more. Not that it made a difference with him. I have never stopped wondering that if I would’ve given my attention to you, whether I could’ve changed how you see yourself. Its obvious there is nothing I could’ve done for Sasuke, his demons were never mine to face. But please Naruto, let me help you face some of yours.” Kakashi pleaded as he wiped a tear away from his eye.

 

Naruto exhaled a deep breath, feeling more like himself. “Fine sensei, lets try.”


	12. A secret pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning*** mentions of non con
> 
> Hey, sorry about the update schedule, life has been a little crazy and honestly I just haven’t been in the right headspace to write this. I apologise for any typos.
> 
> Thanks for reading. There is plenty more misery, pain and healing to come.

Chapter 12

For Jiraiya it took a few drinks for him to work up the courage to keep reading through Naruto’s journal. After the immense betrayal he felt at having journeyed for three tears with a practical stranger, he wasn’t ready for the other truths that were uncovered through Naruto’s written accounts.

The next entry that stood out for Jiraiya detailed a chance meeting they had with another hidden leaf shinobi. Jiraiya thought back to how out of character Naruto was following the encounter, he dreaded what would be revealed to him.

_I am really in a bad spot right now. We just ran into a shinobi I prayed I would never see again as long as I lived. Such horrible things were done to me and he was a part of them. They are all such hateful creatures, pretending to care, making a child believe someone saw them before doing such unspeakable things. I felt instantly nauseous the moment I saw him. Pervy Sage noticed I was acting strange, quiet and withdrawn around his companion but I know he didn’t understand why. He probably thought I was upset at having his attention drawn away from me when really I was trying to not shutdown or puke or cry. The vile things that man did to me still give me nightmares. I can’t believe I ever trusted him, let alone thought someone would care enough to save me from those abusive villagers. I escaped one set of monsters, only to be dealt a worse fate. I hope he leaves soon and does not come anywhere near me._

Jiraiya felt sick at reading the entry, thinking back, he knows that the shinobi spent a few days travelling with them and Naruto was withdrawn and quiet, refusing to eat for the most part and distancing himself whenever he could. He dreaded reading the next entry, feeling responsible for the access he had unknowingly granted the other man.

_It’s been two days and I’ve done everything I can to avoid him but he keeps getting closer. Today he cornered me while Pervy Sage was refining his water. He had me pressed against a tree, his hands roaming over me. I was frozen in terror and honestly couldn’t move. Thankfully Kurama did. He repelled him and scared him half to death. I’m so thankful I had released his seal otherwise I’m sure I would have another memory to haunt me until I die. I feel so disgusting. I hope he stops travelling with us otherwise I might have to stop travelling altogether. I’m finally starting to feel like I matter to Pervy Sage, I was hoping to at least get to the next village before thoughts of dying consumed me but that man… he makes me hate myself even more._

Jiraiya closed the journal and let himself feel everything. The guilt, the pain, the despair. How did he not notice how uncomfortable Naruto was? He must have been blind. As he thinks back, he noticed small things, like the way the man stared at Naruto or the way he moved closer any chance he got but he simply mistook it as being friendly, not being a predator. Jiraiya decides he needs to find this shinobi and teach him a lesson while also preventing any further trauma for both Naruto and any other victims.

 

* * *

 

Iruka is drawn from his thoughts by a knock at the door. He walked quickly to welcome his guests. Naruto enters awkwardly, navigating with his crutches and is followed by Kakashi who is carrying his bag. They both look like crap but there is a different aura from the last time Iruka had seen them. Kakashi is surrounded by a sense of hope while Naruto has completely dropped his mask and is allowing himself to be seen. The three ninja stand awkwardly in Iruka’s dining room, unsure how to proceed.

Naruto is the first to speak, “So, where’s my room?” He asks, wanting to extricate himself from the situation as quickly as possible.

Iruka points down the adjoining hallway to a door that is ajar. Naruto hobbles his way to his room, followed closely by his two teachers. It’s nothing special, a decent sized room with a double bed, a desk and a set of drawers. It’s much nicer than Naruto’s usual bedroom but to him it feels like a sort of prison, somewhere he is being forced to stay to pay for his sins.

“I’m pretty tired, I think I will call it a night and get some sleep.” Naruto said as he slumped down on his bed, hoping the other two men leave without a fuss.

Iruka casts a worried glance at Naruto’s too thin body but doesn’t argue. “Ok Naruto, sleep well. If you need anything, let me know. There’s food in the fridge if you get hungry.” And with that the two older ninja left Naruto to his own devices and retreated to Iruka lounge to talk.

* * *

 

The two men shared what they had learnt from their journals as well as what they planned for their young charge. They both agreed he would need to be carefully monitored and nothing taken at face value. Kakashi was in the process of exiting Iruka’s apartment when Jiraiya appeared, frantic and enraged. “Kakashi. I need your sharingan. Someone in this village has a crime they need to pay for.”

Kakashi didn’t ask questions as he followed Jiraiya to a questionable area of town. The man he approached with a fierce pace was someone Kakashi recognised as a jonin assigned to boarder patrol. He was having trouble recalling his name until he heart Jiraiya growl furiously “Otesuya!”

The man turned quickly, clearly worried about the killing intent the Sanin was emanating. Otesuya raised his hands in a placating defence, confused about the legendary Sanin being angry with him. Before Kakashi had time to react, Jiraiya had grabbed him and Otesuya and teleported to a secluded cabin somewhere in the forest outside the village. Otesuya started to tremble as Jiraiya summoned a clone to hold him from behind. The voice he spoke with was calm and lethal, the rage refined to a sharp point.

“You have a lot of explaining to do.” Jiraiya taunted as he paced before his prisoner and his clone. “We can do it the easy way where you tell me the truth and maybe you survive or we can do it the hard way and you can enter the Mangekyo Sharingan and probably die while telling me what I want to know. So first question, what did you do to Naruto?”

Otesuya pales as soon as Naruto’s name is mentioned. His eyes begin farting around, trying to find an escape. Jiraiya gives Kakashi a hand signal meaning now. Kakashi slides his Hitae off his sharingan and activates his genjutsu. He is unsure what Jiraiya wants to know but he knows it is not meant to be pleasant. He allows the landscape to form based on the fear the captive is feeling.

Jiraiya asks again, “What exactly did you do to Naruto?”

Otesuya is feeling immense agony from the genjutsu and cries out in pain. “I gave him what he deserved. I used him and then threw him away like the monster that he is.”

Kakashi became furious at this confession and poured his rage into the justu, making the man believe he was having his flesh peeled from his bones.

“How many times?” Jiraiya asked, quiet as death.

The man screamed before responding, hoping by giving them the answers they sought, the pain would end. “Several times. I used him every-time he crossed my path. He didn’t know what was happening, he was just an academy brat, barley 10 years old. All I had to do was show him a bit of kindness before I took him and he was happy for the attention. He didn’t understand. After the first time, no amount of kindness took his fear away and I felt great, causing the monster fear. I must’ve broken him though, he stopped waiting for people to be nice and always expected them to beat or rape him. Please, that’s everything, let me go!”

Jiraiya simply responded by saying “I’m sure he begged for you to let him go and I’m sure you didn’t listen so no. You will stay in here until I decide otherwise. Kakashi put him in a coma, we are gonna dump him with Tsunade and let her decide his fate.”

Just like that, a rapist had been caught in his own mind, trapped in agony and two teachers felt even worse for not noticing the trauma a young boy had been through. As they dumped Otesuya in the Hokages office, they apologised for the measures they took and left to fill Iruka in as well as deciding whether Naruto needed to be informed or whether it was best to keep it a secret.


	13. Opening Doors

Iruka was incredibly troubled by Kakashi’s sudden departure. He was sure it meant nothing good, especially considering the way Jiraiya was. It was not something Iruka had ever witnessed from the legendary Sanin who always seemed highly composed. It was unnerving to say the least.

 

Iruka was also incredibly worried about Naruto who had not made a sound. He was beginning to wonder if he needed to make an open door policy and whether that would break the young ninja further. He didn’t like the idea of not being able to trust Naruto but he also didn’t want to ignore the possibilities that could be happening within the room. Iruka spent a good five minutes debating with himself as he stared at Naruto’s door. In the end, he decided to read another journal entry, fix some dinner and do a quick check in to see if Naruto was asleep or if he was engaging in negative habits.

 

Iruka had finished reading through the first half of the journal and was up to the perspective of the seven-year-old version. By the account of the journal, Naruto had tried to kill himself twice when he was six years old. The first by jumping off Hokage rock, the second by sleeping outside in the rare snow storm that had hit. According to the hospital records, Naruto was found by an ANBU returning from a mission on top of Hokage rock, half frozen to death in nothing but a t-shirt and shorts. The journal states that he spent three days in the snow, feeling the white surround him in a frozen embrace.

 

_I have never seen snow before. I wonder what it would feel like to be wrapped up in it. It looks so soft and inviting. No one would even notice if I just disappeared, they all think I am happy but really, I hate myself. Probably more than they hate me. I wonder if the snow hates me. I don’t think it does. Will the snow accept me? Will the snow embrace me? I think I might try it. Maybe it will be a nice way to die. Surrounded by something rather than alone._

 

It was painful to read how much had happened to a small child and how much he was neglected. Iruka prayed that things started getting better since he could recall Naruto beginning to hang around with Shikamaru when he was about seven.

 

Iruka had started a small tally to keep track of how many times Naruto tried to end his life before he left the academy. Each mark sent a pain through his chest but he was a man of logic, if he could identify the moments in Naruto’s life that were better, he could use those to help. Conversely, he had to track what sent him to a breaking point as well.

 

_It’s a new year, I wonder if anything will change? I still have no friends, no one who will talk with me. Except the fox. He talks to me when I've woken up from a nightmare, cold and scared. He tells me not to hurt myself anymore, but I find it comforting. Even if it is just hitting myself, it makes the noise stop for a little bit. The fox won’t tell me his name, he says he doesn’t want to make things harder for me, but I don’t understand. There’s a few boys who ditch class with me, but they all have the same look in their eyes, like I'm dirty. It makes me feel like I am trash. They are nicer than most, but I still don’t feel like they are my friends. After a year of trying to make friends, I have pretty much given up. The fox told me not to worry about it and that one day, everyone will want to be my friend, I just have to hold on, but I don’t know if I want to. When I got home today, my door had been kicked in and everything was broken. I don’t know what I have done to deserve this, but I have nothing. I don’t want to bother Jiji, so I’ll just make do._

Iruka breathed a sigh of relief. That was the first entry he had read that didn’t make him want to go back in time and scream at everyone. At least the fox had started talking to him and not filling him with hatred. Who would’ve thought a demon would show Naruto more kindness than an entire village?

 

The sun had begun its descent and Iruka busied himself preparing dinner. He made fried rice and lemon chicken, wondering when the last time was that Naruto had eaten a proper meal. He dished out the meals and slowly approached Naruto’s door. Behind it, he could hear the tell-tale signs of crying. He was momentarily torn between leaving or entering. It dawned on his that’s how he had always been, choosing more often than not to let Naruto deal with his pain alone. “No more.” Iruka whispered to himself as he opened the door and found Naruto sitting on the edge of his bed, tears freely flowing and deep scratches across his forearm.

 

Iruka approached cautiously, not wanting to startle Naruto or make him feel worse. “Hey, hey, everything is gonna be okay Naruto. Talk to me. Let me help you.” Iruka used his soothing voice, watching as Naruto released the grip, he had over himself and leaning into Iruka’s embrace.

 

“I feel so pathetic. I know you have all started to figure out everything and I feel like there is nothing you won’t know by the end of this. There are reasons that I never told anyone how I felt and there are things that would destroy you. There are things that have destroyed me that I don’t want anyone to know about. I know you think you are helping me and Kurama thinks I need this but all I don’t think anything can make me feel better.” Naruto sobbed, allowing Iruka to rub soothing circles on his back.

 

“Naruto, you are in complete control. Tell me the things you want me to know. Tell me thing things you can or, if it works better for you, don’t talk, write it down and I’ll read it. You know I will not judge you. I have seen that this village has a darker side, I felt it when I became an orphan, and everyone started treating me like I was beneath them. So I get it. What I don’t get is why you didn’t let me it. You are family to me Naruto and I will always be there for you. I may not have noticed that you needed me, but I am here now, and I will help you in any way I can. Just let me in.” Iruka spoke with such emotion, he could feel tears forming in his eyes.

 

Naruto didn’t try to hide the emotions on his face, he wore his pain and let Iruka see all of him. “Come on, lets go eat dinner and talk. It doesn’t have to be deep if you wanna start slow. Talk to me about the weather if you want but lets get to know each other hey?”

 

Naruto nodded as he left Iruka’s embrace and hobbled out to the dining room table. 

 

* * *

 

 **‘That’s it Kit. Let them in. Let them see you as you are. You are not a monster...’** Kurama thought as Naruto started to open up to Iruka.

 

* * *

 

“First things first, lets clean your arm up so you can enjoy the delicious dinner I made.” Iruka made sure to emphasise the word delicious as he wiped an antiseptic over Naruto’s deep scratches and applied a bandage. “All better, let’s eat.”

 

Iruka watched as Naruto pushed food around his plate, eating one mouthful every five minutes at best. By the time Iruka had finished his plate, Naruto had eaten maybe 5 mouthfuls. The silence became heavy as Iruka scrutinised His young charges lack of eating. He tried to make it conversational so it would not feel like an invasion. “So how long since you’ve last eaten a full meal?”

 

“Since the last time you took me out to Ramen. I don’t like to eat when I don’t have to. So unless someone was watching, I wouldn’t really bother.” Naruto answered flatly, obviously done trying to hide his habits.

 

“Why?” Iruka asked, unable to contain his response.

 

“When I was younger, I didn’t have many options for food, so I would eat when I could. Being desperate for food led me to put my trust in the wrong people and I payed the price for it. I only really ever eat around you, Kakashi or Jiraiya. I don’t trust anyone else and even then, I don’t eat as much as I've led you to believe. I kept up my genjutsu so no one would notice how pale and thin I had become along with the cutting.”

 

Iruka blinked realising that Naruto wasn’t even trying to avoid answering his questions, but one part of his response nagged at Iruka. “What do you mean you payed the price for trusting the wrong people?”

 

Iruka saw a moment of panic flash across Naruto’s eyes. “Nothing. May I be excused?” Naruto asked, diverting his eyes from Iruka. His breathing had become rapid and Iruka noticed how his body language changed from defeated to alert, as if he was waiting to be attacked. Iruka nodded his head and watched as Naruto hobbled down the hall to his room and softly closed the door.


	14. Nightmares

**Chapter 14**

 

Tsunade paced her office after Jiraiya and Kakashi left the disgraced ninja with her. She promptly called for Ibiki to take care of him. She felt incredibly ill just thinking about the things he had done to Naruto. Tsunade began to wonder when it happened and how no one noticed. She began to think maybe Sarutobi-Sensei had once again neglected Naruto for his own sake. She began flipping through his records once more until she came upon a sealed record that stated -NOT TO BE OPENED-. Of course, she opened it immediately.

 

_The villagers have become more outspoken about Naruto. He runs around, playing pranks, vandalizing everything. Anything to get people to acknowledge his existence. But I fear something in him has changed. He has become withdrawn from me. He doesn’t talk to me anymore. He is only 10 years old; I fear what may have happened to him. I've started putting a tracker on him. I've had Enma follow him discreetly, but the reports have been worrying. Apparently one of the patrol jounins has taken an interest in the boy in a less than savoury way. I have no evidence so I cannot act on suspicion, however when I asked Naruto if he felt threatened, he told me no and ran away with that grin on his face..._

_******_

_Finally caught up with the ninja in question, he said Naruto is his friend and that everything is completely consensual and legal. I didn’t trust him, so I marked him and put a seal on him that prevents him from touching Naruto as long as I am alive. Hopefully it will be a permeant deterrent for whatever is happening. I have also listed him on the monitor and act registry for crimes against children however, it would seem that Naruto is the only one he has been game enough to approach. Without further evidence, I am powerless. This entry will be sealed until further evidence is found or I am dead._

“So he thought something was wrong and did the minimum.” Tsunade spoke aloud as she punched her desk, effectively rendering the piece of furniture ruined. Tsunade sighed as she slumped to the ground, “Oh Naruto...” She murmured as she succumbed to her tears.

 

* * *

 

 

 That night, Naruto dreamed of al the horrible things that had been done to him when he was naïve and innocent.

 

_“Hey Kid, wanna come get some BBQ with me? I've got no one to go and you look like you could use a feed”. The stranger asked him in a sickly sweet voice._

_Naruto had never been spoken to with such kindness he immediately jumped at the chance to spend more time with the man. “Yes. I would like that ya know.”_

_The evening started normal enough, true to his word, they went for BBQ and the man let him have whatever he wanted. He ate so much he thought he was going to burst. Naruto wondered if this was how normal people felt, content and full. He was feeling overjoyed._

_As the night crept on the man suggested going back to his house for dessert. Naruto was more than happy to go back for icecream and was too young to think anything was wrong. He was however very wrong._

_As soon as they enter the front door, the man grabbed Naruto’s arms and held them behind his back. Naruto felt the chains lock into place and his energy faded. He was so drowsy, he couldn’t do anything but move when nudged._

_The man took no time stripping the 10 year old down and chaining him to the bed. Naruto felt the cool sheets beneath his body and the food rising in his throat as he began to understand that the so called acts of kindness from this man were all a cruel trick to defile him. He heard Kurama shouting at him to fight, trying to force his chakra out to no avail._

**_‘Focus on me Kit. Abandon your body and stay in your mindscape with me. You do not want to be present for this. The chains prevent me from taking over but I will shield you.’_ ** _Kurama rasped when he realised he couldn’t break the chains. He cursed himself for not sensing the danger soon._

_He felt Naruto retreating within his mind as the man caressed his body. Kurama wrapped Naruto’s consciousness in his nine tails and held the young boy until it was over._

* * *

 

Naruto woke with a scream. Iruka immediately rushed into his room and gasped at what he saw. Naruto was banging his head against the wall, begging it to stop. Kurama’s chakra had formed a helmet around his head, stopping any harm from being done. Iruka wasted no time, reaching a hand out to Naruto and pulling him out of the bed, into a hug. It took a few moments before Naruto returned the hug and began crying softly onto Iruka’s shoulder. He started to tell Iruka that he was dirty but Iruka wouldn’t let go and kept telling him how much he cared.

 

 

Kakashi had another go of reading the journal. The adrenaline of finding Otesuya and trapping him in the Mongekyo had worn off and a soul deep weariness had replaced it. After dumping him with Tsunade they had planned to inform Iruka of the situation but had realised it had become too late to disturb the chuunin and that Naruto would need time to adjust to his new living conditions without any added pressure.

 

Kakashi sighed as he lounged in his recliner, ready to read the next journal entry.

 

_Technically it wasn’t a suicide attempt but I almost died today. I was so close. Sasuke put a chidori straight through my chest. Clearly the stupid Teme needs to work on his aim, he missed my shattered heart. I could feel the warm embrace of death just beyond my reach. Of course when I woke up, I was in a hospital and I was considered a failure on all accounts. I couldn’t bring Sasuke back, everyone that came to help got seriously injured and I'm still alive. I don’t understand why Kakashi didn’t just leave me out there to die. It would have been better for everyone. I would’ve got what I wanted, the village would’ve got what they wanted and Sasuke would’ve technically killed me and could’ve gotten his power. It honestly would’ve been the best thing._

Kakashi felt his chest tighten, “Did Naruto really wish I would’ve left him to die in the Valley of the end?” Kakashi couldn’t breathe. He felt so many emotions and thoughts flooding his brain and the one that screamed that loudest was the one that made the least sense. “Maybe I did wrong by him in more ways than one...”


	15. Story Time

**“I think you need to talk to someone Kit. This isn’t going to go away. Try talking to one of them. The nightmares are getting worse Kit, you can’t keep doing this to yourself.”** Kurama pushed his thoughts into Naruto’s mind as Iruka embraced him. Naruto sent back a wave of panic that flooded his mindscape. ‘I don’t know if I can Kurama. I can’t talk about this.’ Naruto responded weakly. **“Just try Kit. You have nothing to lose. They will find out eventually anyway and this way you can control it.”** Naruto responded in a huff, ‘Fine’.

 

“Iruka,” Naruto looked up timidly, trying to find the courage to talk about this, “I need to talk about this, but I don’t know if I can.” Iruka held Naruto at arm’s length and looked into his eyes. He thought about how to work through this with Naruto. Should he share an experience of his own or should he give Naruto some suggestions for handling this. He didn’t want to detract from the moment, so he went with the second option. He decided to take Naruto out to the veranda and sit on the deck chairs in the sun. He suggested Naruto tell him what he needed to as story, talking about it as if it happened to someone else. All the while Iruka still held his hand firmly and gave little squeezes when he felt Naruto needed extra support.

 

_Once upon a time there was a little kid who had no family, no friends and was hated by everyone. He used to be full of energy and positivity. He thought that people would start to like him when they saw how bright he was, but they didn’t. He was like sunshine until he turned six, then he started losing his light. He started finding darkness everywhere he looked and tried a few times to be consumed by it. Every time he tried to enter the darkness, someone stopped him. It made him feel like even death had rejected him, like he wasn’t worthy. He decided to never let people see him as he truly was. He decided to smile and laugh, make jokes and pretend so no one would notice when he tried to die. If no one noticed, then no one would stop him._

Iruka had to reach up and wipe away a stray tear that had begun running down his cheek. Hearing the pain as Naruto told his story was breaking his heart. It wasn’t anything Iruka didn’t already know but hearing him say it refreshed the pain. Naruto continued:

 

_He spent years like that. Never showing people his true self. Trying and failing. Failing at everything. Failing at the academy even though he could do it. Failing tests because that’s what people expected. Losing fights because there really wasn’t any winning. People would hate him and think he was a monster either way. He didn’t know what kindness looked like so he would take any kind of attention that was given to him._

_One night when he was ten, an older ninja showed him kindness, fed him and pretended to care. He asked him to come to his house for ice cream and he was so excited. He finally felt like someone wanted to spend time with him, so he trusted this ninja. As soon as he walked through the man’s door, he felt something heavy clasp around his wrists, behind his back. He felt all his energy drain from him and he couldn’t move or fight or think. The main chained him to a bed and stripped him down. He can remember the hands roaming over his body and how frightened he was. He had a voice in his head, telling him to abandon his body and retreat. He was shielded within his mind so he doesn’t remember much of what happened. He can still feel the hands on his skin. He still feels dirty and sometimes he has nightmares where he remembers everything. He relives the whole thing and doesn’t get to shutdown. He remembers the other times that were quick and dirty, moments stolen from him in dirty alleys and training grounds. He remembers needing to rip his flesh off to stop feeling the ghosts of the memories._

Iruka is freely crying by this point, shaking with rage.

 

_He doesn’t like to talk about any of it so he writes things in his journals. He doesn’t share his feelings or his thoughts. He plasters a smile on his face throughout the day and tries to end his life at night. So far it hasn’t worked and now the only people he has ever trusted know the truth about his habits and his intentions and he knows they want to help but he doesn’t want to live. No after everything. Not with the memories. He has tried, for the sensei’s who have shown him kindness and shelter, he has tried but he still doesn’t think there is any hope for him. He doesn’t think life is worth living for him, but he doesn’t want to hurt the people who have loved him in spite of everything. He doesn’t want to let them down._

When it was clear Naruto had finished his story and no longer wished to continue, Iruka pulled him into a hug and held him tightly. He spoke gently as Naruto clung to him, shaking from the emotional upheaval of sharing his darkest moment with Iruka.

 

“Naruto, there is nothing about that story that makes you less. You were a child and he took advantage of you. Thank you for sharing this with me. I will do everything in my power to help you through this. I will not abandon you and I will never stop caring.”

 

The two stayed in their embrace for a long time before Naruto cleared his throat and asked what was for breakfast. He felt lighter than he ever had before and was proud of himself for sharing.  He was still haunted by his memories but he knew he was no alone. Or at least that’s how it felt.


End file.
